Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
