I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
