yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
