at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
