I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
