So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
