What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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