If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Randomize
