At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize