she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
