it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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