Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
