When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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