everyone is single if you try hard enough
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
