are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
