She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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