why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
