I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
