what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
