Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
