You don't have asthma, your pregnant
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
