i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I yelled at your uterus for you.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
