3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
