i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
