Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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