Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
