youre lurking in front of me
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
