I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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