Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he shaved USA in his pubs
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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