I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
