my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
