I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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