Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize