I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
