you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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