Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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