I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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