Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
