I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
