3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
