He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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