Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
