So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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