he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
