you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
