im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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