So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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