the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
