Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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