Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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