that's an acceptable place to lick
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
