It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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