Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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