I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
