you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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