where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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