I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
