MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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