She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
