Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Slut skills are useful in every country.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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