hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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