saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
